The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
