I just cut my nipple shaving
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
