Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
