I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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