i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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