i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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