At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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