im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
