we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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