Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Randomize
