You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
