today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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