She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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