Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
