i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
