i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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