So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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