my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
