i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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