Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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