3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
