It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
