Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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