So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
