Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
