He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
