Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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