Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
