she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
