What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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