The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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