The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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