Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
