I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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