I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
