Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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