im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
