my soul wont recognize me after tonight
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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