Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
