If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
