The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Someone signed my nipple.
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