I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
