so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
