Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
