Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
