And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
