I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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