got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
