I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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