Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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