don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
