In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
