Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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